The apocalypse is no reason to lose sleep

You slip under the covers, turn off the lights, and queue up your bedtime playlist: rolling waves, distant thunder, the rustling leaves of a nearby tree. Your body slowly becomes one with your mattress and the day begins to fade away as you succumb to peaceful slumber.

A blood-curdling scream.

And now your sleep cycle is all outta whack.

This could be you.

As you search for your ear plugs, your mind returns to today’s near miss with a zombie, and how your partner watched the latest episode of The Great British Bake Off without you. What a dick.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

In these dark times where the undead roam freely, you may not be able to predict if you’ll last another year, month — heck, day — but you can take back control of your sleep cycle now.

Grow accustomed to — dare we say, begin to embrace — the nighttime hullabaloo that even Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones can’t block out.

Our program lasts just a week. We provide 8 hours of audio every night, fast-tracking your ability to tune out our planet that is literally on fire.

On day 1 you’ll start with sounds of someone tapping on your window and end with a distant 10 car pileup. By day 7 you’ll feel like you’re in the center of a volcano with the audio of an actual eruption. If you have mirrors please cover them before dozing off — they will break!

Getting your life back, while you still have it, starts with a good night’s sleep.

For just three easy payments of $9.95.

Biomedical scientist turned science writer, editor & producer. Based in DC.