Quarantine tips for extroverts

Holiday quarantine got you ready to light something on fire? Put down that blowtorch and listen up: You can get through this. The world needs you to keep your shit together. Alone.

Facetime

with that relative none of your family members like. This will remind you that not all human interaction is a good thing, and will give you something to throw in other family members’ faces once we’re all vaccinated. “I called Aunt Janet during a PANDEMIC mom. The least you could do is wish her a happy birthday for me” — is something you’ll be able to say.

Install locks. Lots of locks.

Sound of a runner and her canine companion got you ready to bolt outside? Good thing you outfitted your door with 13 combo locks that require your attention for no less than 4 minutes — about the time needed to forget why you were leaving in the first place. Is that many locks a fire hazard? Sure — all the more reason to put down that blowtorch.

Journal

Start writing and don’t stop until you have a breakdown that helps you understand why you crave this much attention.

Clean

everything. Your face, your closet, your desktop that’s overrun with accidental downloads and pics of your cat who has been dead for 3 years. Finally try out that at-home colonic you bought last year and then promptly start popping that unused Z Pack your doctor gave you before your trip to Bali because you forgot to buy distilled water and, let’s be real, sepsis isn’t a good look.

Write a song

and then record it and upload it to YouTube. Comments = enabled.

Fight

with the trolls who make fun of the song you uploaded to YouTube.

Scream

into the ether. Follow it up with an “I’m actually fine” so as not to alarm others and risk them coming over.

Watch The Office from start to finish

for the 7th time. Repeat until WHO and CDC tell you otherwise.